Task 2: (Opinion Essay)
In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits.
What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Whether individual success or failure depends on the amount of opportunities received is debatable. It is argued that either having equal opportunites for all may result in more individual achievements or the independence to face success or failure. This essay will discuss why the freedom to confront success or failure is the key to gain superior personal achivements in life.
In spite of having equal opportunites, there will always be differences in personal achievement among people on the basis of perseverance, hard work and dedication. It is said that to gain success you have to fail first and you can always learn from your mistakes. No matter how bitter your failure is, there is always a chance to learn from it. Learning from your mistakes will make you stronger and cautious about repeating the same mistakes. For example, if you do not ride a bicycle in the fear of falling, you will never learn how to ride a bicycle. Each time you fall from a bicycle, you will learn something that will encourage you to try harder in the next try. The amount of perseverance, hard work and dedication vary from person to person which eventually becomes the main factor behind personal achievement.
Equal opportunites for all can work as a facilitator for acquiring higher individual accomplishments but individual qualities are something that are not the same for every individual. Every individual is unique in their own way as they have different thought processes and different qualities they have achieved during their lives. As a result, the same work done by different individuals may produce different results. For instance, there are different professions for individuals due to their distinctive natures. If everybody has the same quality and equal opportunity, there will hardly be any difference in personal achievements. Eventually, everybody will have the same amount of achivements in their life. Thus, individual quality have/ has a great influence on success or failure even though there are equal opportunites provided by the society.
It is debatable that there is a correlation between personal achievement and opportunites received. There is an argument that equal opportunites for all will be the pathway for higher level of personal achievements whereas individual success only depends on confronting success or failure. This essay strongly agrees the fact that facing success or failure independently is more important than having equal opportunites for all as perseverance, hard work, dedication and individual merits play major part in higher level of achivements.
Feedback: Overall score: 6
## Writing is quite good. However, you need to focus on overall essay structure especially argumentative structure. Find the argumentative structure below: You will be scored by following for scoring criteria: (1) TA- task response---- in your writing there is lack of task response as you have not provided example, but you were instructed to provide example. (2) CC (coherence and cohesion): Though you have provided nice chain of thought, you are actually far away from the main topic. (3) LR (Lexical Resources): you need to use some linkers to ensure better writing (4): GRA (Grammar): Most of the sentences are grammatically correct except some spelling and minor mistake.
- It is better to write , at the end, in conclusion, or to the end ( in conclusion)
- Try to make a habit of writing 270- 290 words ( by 30 minutes)
Argumentative essay structure:
Intro= Paraphrasing+ thesis (40-60 words)
Body 1= topic+ outline+ example (50- 70 words)
Body 2= topic+ outline+ example (50- 70 words)
Body 3= topic+ outline+ example (50- 70 words)
Conclusion= restating the intro ((40- 50 words)